Why Doesn’t He Tell Me What He’s Feeling?

I have a lot of female friends.
And in playing the therapist role whenever they need that “guy perspective”, one thing that tends to come up often is “Why won’t he just tell me what’s wrong?” or “Why doesn’t he tell me what he’s really thinking?”
What needs to be focused in this issue is a psychological happening know as Self-disclosure - when we reveal our inner most thoughts and feelings to others. This may include, but is not limited to, thoughts, feelings, aspirations, goals, failures, successes, fears, dreams as well as one's likes, dislikes, and favorites.

A blending of projection and self-disclosure, given the right circumstances, is how we put together a male that has extreme difficulty with opening himself up, and making himself vulnerable.

I cannot say that this is the answer to EVERY girl’s communication problem, however, given the right circumstances, this is what is going on inside his head. According to psychologist:

“Self-disclosure is an important part in building friendships and relationships and in general it increases liking and creates a bond of trust and confidence among people. However, opening up to other people entails certain risks and dangers as releasing or giving away personal information may make people vulnerable.”

When it comes to relationships, in essence, who we are and how we act is dependent on our childhood. Our childhood is the raw DNA that makes us all who we are, whether we are in a relationship or single as a dollar bill. WE ARE ALL genetic make ups of our past experiences. From your first embarrassment, to your very first crush, EVERYTHING about us is in some form or fashion, a direct result of something that has happened in our past.

Now in looking at a male that has problems with feelings of vulnerability, a hoard of reasons can be used to explain this happening. However, I submit to you that the reason a guy – especially black males – may have problems with completely opening himself up, is due to the fact that at some point in his childhood, he made an attempt at self-disclosure but did not have self-disclosure reciprocated back to him. In other words, as a child he made himself vulnerable only to not be received by the receiving individual. This tends to happen, but is not limited to, when the child is from a broken home -whether it is broken by divorce or out-of-wedlock birth. According to psychologist:

“…When the other person closes up and is indifferent to disclosure, it creates an atmosphere of tension. The efforts of disclosure and of starting a relationship with that person will be in vain and if such occasions are repeated they may have an adverse reaction on the individual and these individuals may become more hesitant to make future attempts at self-disclosure.”

This is then where we cross paths with what is known at “Projection” - the unconscious act of denial of a person's own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world. Meaning, suppressed thoughts are projected onto other people – making other people the mental scape-goats of our voids. So say your boyfriend is from a home where he knew of his father/mother but did not necessarily live with him/her, or maybe even never got the chance to know him/her all together. This than could lead to a suppressed sense of tension, resulting in a subconscious bitterness toward the absent father/mother, thus, priming the individual for projection of bitter feelings AND THE LACK OF TRUST onto any individual who might try to fill that void – i.e. YOU THE GIRLFRIEND (or girl seeking that type of attention). It’s not that YOU are the reason he can’t trust you, but that YOU are the reason HE REMEMBERS why he can’t trust his mother/father. This is why he won’t tell you what he’s feeling. Because of projection and his inability to self-disclose due to the projected lack of trust.

It’s a hard day in history to be a girlfriend, especially with soooooo many guys coming from broken families – especially African-American males. And with the divorce rate at an all time high of 50%, one can only ask what does the future hold for young boys and girls, who will have to grow-up and deal with these effects. So don’t beat yourself up about why your guy has problems with being open and vulnerable. “Still waters run deep” and should be handled with ease and care, because who knows, with enough love and support, you can be the clay that God uses to fill the void in his life _X